“Raylan, you do a good job of hiding it. And I s’pose most folks don’t see it, but honestly, you’re the angriest man I have ever known.” – Winona Hawkins, Justified: Fire in the Hole S1E1
There are a lot of things that make one angry and sometimes it’s a lot of things all at once. Sometimes it’s one’s own stupidity. Walk into a door, and you’ll feel a little dopey for sure.
The criteria of what makes one angry will differ greatly from person to person and I am no exception. I had a very bad temper for a very long time and with massive amounts of therapy (and heart surgery, frankly) I learned to not be so consistently angry.
Mad at what, you ask?
Everything.
Whatever you got, I could be angry. Consistently, too. I never phoned in my rage-it was whole ass anger. I was angry at absolutely everything. My blood pressure was constantly through the roof in grade school, and I was very bottled up. Being an abused kid in a house full of abuse from multiple sources and forms, really contributes to anger for sure, but it’s the anger that occurs after the abuse stops and switches to self abuse is where it gets ugly.
The anger, like a hitchhiker seed (also called a “nutlet,” which is hilarious) hangs around and waits until it is called upon. And also when it isn’t called upon. It’s there, all the time, always about to boil over. You can remove a nutlet. Anger, not so easily. Anger is an evil genie kept in the bottle corked in only by cigarettes and coffee which if you didn’t know, is a really shitty cork.
But as I write this, I reflect how far I have come dealing with my own anger. When you reflect, it’s usually because you have done the very thing you were trying not to do anymore.
Like, getting angry.
Well, it’s been a bit since I’ve updated. There are always a lot of reasons for delays and there has been loads of them (reasons and/or excuses) over the years. Some of the reasons have been legit. Some, have been less than straightforward. (We won’t go into that right now.)
This one is very simple.
I’ve been doing family stuff like house painting, and promotion on social media. Then I got sick, got better and went back to painting. Then I got super exhausted. It never ends, man…
BUT
I wanted to hop on and wish you all a belated Happy Thanksgiving. No matter how you celebrate it (or if you do at all) or if you celebrated your own version like ‘Friendsgiving’ or something sarcastic like ‘Thankstaking‘ (That made me laugh really hard.)
There’s a lot to be thankful for all around and I know, it’s really hard to find reasons sometimes-especially in light of the last election cycle and super especially if you’re a woman, gay, trans, black, brown, non-white, an ally or working class.
This is where I go back to anger.
I think my least favorite part of the election was having people try to lecture me indirectly about how it was ‘time to accept the results and let the country heal.’ You know, heal like they did after the last election (and all four years after.)
The buildup before the election was even harder to bear since I had to hear how folks (aka Democrats) were the scourge of the country. And anyone who could vote for Democrats also support child molesters, communists, drug dealers, terrorists (the list goes on and on…please, pick your favorite.)
This is America. You’re allowed to believe whatever you want, worship whatever you want, and think whatever you want as long as you follow the law and do not besmirch another person’s rights.
But, if we are to believe the speeches coming from those folks, we’re set to have unparalleled freedom!*
*Unless, you’re a woman, LGBTQA, trans, black, brown (not white in other words) indigenous, (the list really, goes on…)
It’s a sadly large amount of hypocrisy and it goes for both parties. I am not about to unleash a lot of negative stuff on one party without tossing some anger the other way too. I will concede that a lot of middle finger waving goes to the right more than the left, but no one involved in this process has clean hands. Hell, You think Republicans didn’t want Joe Biden to be elected in 2020? I didn’t either, but like most shit in the US, it wasn’t my call. (Surprise, it wasn’t your call either.)
For the next four years, there’s gonna be a lot of schoolyard taunting, early high school bullying, a lot of the embodiment of that thing Mussolini used to do in WW2 movie reels and a bunch of people with a superiority complexes because “they” won, and think that by telling you they are being magnanimous, they actually are being magnanimous. (Which is also known as being full of shit.)
As a country, we have lived through some stuff. In my memory, we have lived through the end of the world scenario including 10 Presidents with varying degrees of what can only be called “fuckery.”
Remember Richard Nixon? No? Weren’t alive?
I was, although I don’t remember. I was 3 after all to be fair, but there were a couple one term folks, more doubles and frankly ever since I was old enough to speak the language, I was led to believe that every president has meant the end of democracy.
Again, ten Presidents have augured the end of the world according to the general public based solely on political leanings.
That’s frustrating. Angering, even.
After years of trying to wrestle my health under control including my anger, I finally got it into a position to where I can tolerate a lot of stuff. There’s a high threshold for bullshit without my exploding in fury and that remains a good thing. I’m still not blowing up.
But I do get angry.
I get angry when I am told how I am an immoral, stupid bastard because I think restricting women’s rights to bodily autonomy (or anyone’s autonomy) is the opposite of freedom. You cannot say we can be free if there are limits to what can be considered freedom.
As long as you are not hurting someone, or infringing on someone else’s rights, that is freedom. It’s not subjective.
Drag Queen Story Hour at a library is not indoctrination. It’s entertainment (it’s subjective, but it is entertaining.) It’s fun and if you don’t like it, don’t show up. No one is trying to snatch your kid at the library during story time.
Most folks I know who were molested as kids (myself and my sister included) were victimized by either white ‘straight’ men, or authority figures like priests, scout leaders and family members.
According to the Zero Abuse Project, “…[M]ost men who molest little boys are not gay. Only 21 percent of the child molesters we studied who assault little boys were exclusively homosexual. Nearly 80 percent of the men who molested little boys were heterosexual or bisexual and most of these men were married and had children of their own.“
You don’t even wanna know what the percentage of white men are for it either. Look it up if you don’t believe me. It’s spooky.
But for sure, it isn’t folks like RuPaul or Jinkx Monsoon (from Doctor Who, pictured below as the terrifying Maestro.) that are hurting kids, or freedom.
If you don’t want to see that sort of thing, please, don’t watch it. No one has ever accidentally subscribed to Disney and accidentally watched Doctor Who after all. No one has ever casually strolled into a library during Drag Story Time and stayed against their will.
That makes me angry. This is the same philosophy that my beloved Grandfather had when teaching me how to drive.
“Everything on this side of the yellow line is yours!” He’d say. “You go right up against it. Anybody hits you, it’s their fault.”
I said I didn’t want to get hit by another car.
“That’s not the point!” He yelled.
“Okay, what’s the point? I get into an accident and I get hurt?”
Then he’d wave a hand and tell me to drive home. (He was fun like that.)
To be even more direct, if you don’t want to see Drag Queens in the library, don’t go to Drag Queen Day at the library. Stay home and be free from it while other people are free to be themselves and free from you.
I know there are folks who have it made up in their mind that opposition to this is right and moral. After all, you’re just trying to protect the children and that’s the “Christian” thing to do.
Except, that’s not entirely it, is it?
As a country, we’ve been told our whole lives about folks like drag queens, and gay folks and how they not only target little kids, but have this massive agenda on how to corrupt the fabric of the country by subversion of the teachings of Christ and the country in general.
Not everyone believes that however because there isn’t actually any proof. Now, you might think that having faith would cover a lot of heavy lifting, but it really doesn’t. If you can believe that there’s a powerful being that doesn’t have prove it’s own existence because faith should be enough, why can’t you believe in something that has proven itself time and again?
Inconvenient and tangible facts really screw that up.
Wait…
What was the point of this essay?
Oh yeah, anger. I’m angry.
Angry about the election, angry at folks laughing at me or lecturing me for being worried about diminishing freedom, angry at the future of my kids at risk, angry at being discounted as an American because of my beliefs.
Harlan Ellison once said “I don’t care if you think I’m stupid, but don’t talk to me like I’m stupid.”
Just because I don’t call you out on it, doesn’t mean I’m not angry. I’m angry a lot, but my time and attention is needed more by people who aren’t judging my humanity, my intelligence or my choices. I have better stuff to do with my time and quite frankly, so do you.
N
12/1/24
PS
Yes, it says part one.
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