FEEDING THE MACHINE
This song was originally called Proof and was co-written with my brother from another mother, Scott Self. He recorded a really great version of the original song, which featured him on lead vocal and guitar. One day, I hope he either releases it or re-records it, ‘cos it really is great.
This version is a little (okay, a lot) different then Proof. It is loosely based on the character in George Stark’s novel “Machine’s Way” in Stephen King’s The Dark Half. As I am predominantly a horror writer, I wanted to write something spooky. So, I did.
I like a whole lot of this song and some of the lyrics hold up well. Some lines are, of course, a little clunky but that’s why sometimes, we make records-to be clunky and stuff.
You’re not a monster, you’re not obscene. Seriously?
The next line however picks up that slack- Blood is the oil that burns hot and clean.
Now we’re talkin’!
The appealing part of this song in particular was watching faces change once they started to figure out what the song was about. Well, if they had been listening. Sometimes, you’re not the center of attention even when you’re the loudest thing in the room. But sing a line like you shouldn’t fuck with a high-toned son of a bitch really wakes up the casual listener.
Walk in the sunlight, don’t you ever look back
Have another cigarette out of a brand new pack
Keep your head straight up don’t smile and don’t frown
You’re an uncaged animal but you don’t want to spread it around
While you’re feeding the machine
No one saw you coming and no one watched you leave
And it sure gets easier as easy as you’re breathing right now and
Give a little smile, give a little wink
Last night’s adventure gets washed down in the sink
and you’re feeding
You’re feeding the machine
You’re not a monster, you’re not obscene
Blood is the oil that burns hot and clean
A precision engine; fine tuned and pitch
They shouldn’t fuck with a high toned son of a bitch
It’s not a murder, it’s a ballet
And if it’s a crime, well, it ain’t one today
One day the mask and the man behind will meet
Then a perfect circle will close and be complete
Until then,
TURNING OF THE WORLD: PART ONE
Turning of the World: Part One was written as part of a larger project called Diaries- A Fiction. (Pretentious as all get out, right?) It was an ambitious project directly a result of over listening to an album by Elvis Costello and the Brodsky Quartet called The Juliet Letters. Simple concept-a 20 plus song sequence of “found” letters from different folks in different parts of life. Some funny, some sad-you get the idea. It’s a beautiful album.
My idea was similar enough to be considered at best derivative and I accepted this as it proved to have some really great results. It was an 11 song cycle of different ‘diary’ entries that seemed to run the gamut of people who honestly would never write a diary. I remembered about a year after having written the diary entries that this could have easily also been called songwriting. No, a car mechanic wouldn’t necessarily have written about asking a pretty lady out while pumping her gas (no euphemism–this song took place in New Jersey-no pumping your own gas, kids.) But then again, a guy in prison wouldn’t necessarily write about a guy he shot in Reno just to see him die. (See? Songs….) Also, this allowed me to use the name for my favorite made up business, the enigmatic PUMP AND GO-ROUND.
There is a second part to the song from the girl’s perspective which is an easier song to play and the musical opposite of part one, but this one, even though a little difficult, is fun. I love the ragtime feel and if ever I decide to have some sort of musical performance again, I will feature this song if I can convince any of my clarinet playing pals to join me.
There’s a whole lot about this song that compels me to make it my favorite. For one thing, it was a fairly well thought out song filled with romance, taking chances and ultimately an open ended conclusion in a positive light. Played before the second part of the song, you know in your heart of hearts, that it all worked out at least for that first date. As a stand alone song, you just don’t know.
And that’s what I love about it. Not knowing is just a total playground for romantic ideals.
I really wish she’d let down her hair
Don’t quite get what keeps her way over there
She’s so perfect I feel out of place
All these thing that I can’t say to her face
Like when I look at her I feel
The Turning of the World.
She’s an upscale girl from way up town
I met her while I was pumping gas at the
“Pump n’ Go Round”
I asked her out I can’t believe she said Yes
What she sees in me I just could not guess
But I can’t help but feel the turning of the world.
Where could I take her? She could buy my apartment
Half of what I own is shoved in my glove compartment
What am I doing? She’s out of my class.
What’ll I do if she finds out I’m an ass?
So here I am writing my thoughts down
I’ll try to be charming, try not to frown
I’ll just enjoy the company of a lovely girl
I’ll take her dancing I can take her for a whirl
Maybe we can both feel the turning of the world
TAKE ME OUT (OF THE PICTURE)
The album title comes from a line in the very angry Take Me Out (Of the Picture) (which in retrospect, is less angry and more hurt than anything.) In fact, it’s really whiney. It really kind of reaches back into the past where the person you “liked” who really didn’t like you even though the you identify as a “nice guy” and therefore, they must be a stuck up arrogant ass clown. My daughter Annabelle said that the guy in the song sounded a lot like and Incel.
Ouch.
I can think of so many people, myself included, who identified as “nice guys” and would howl at the moon, lamenting to other impossibly glum guys about the same thing; all these women who just weren’t buying what us “nice guys” were selling. It’s not a proud period, but hopefully we all learned the lesson of not remaining a total sack of shit. No means no, and no one is entitled to let you fuck them because you’re “nice.” This especially includes guys reading this and thinking “Well, that was never me. “
Sure…
In looking over this song, it’s not truly on the surface, overtly in the Incel territory, but that doesn’t make it any healthier or more comfortable to read. This song was written not too long after a really bad break up (for me, anyway) and it resonated hard enough to just make me so angry upon finding out that the person in question started dating someone else almost immediately that I wrote this song.
Perfect for a guy with the emotional range of a Daisy Air rifle.-remember, this was written in the ass end of the 1990’s…
One of the best lessons learned was actually being taken to the curb by that relationship and everyone after it because it taught me a lot about relationships both romantic and otherwise. it’s not all about you, or in the case of the guy in this song, him (or me.)
Everyone is the bad guy in someone else’s story. In the case of this song, the bad guy is himself, but he won’t admit it. That’s how I read it now, but again, I think I would have written this story a lot differently today. I may rewrite it one day, but we’ll see. It’s a testament of what I thought at the time. Oh, the 90’s…also, as my daughter says, the music “slaps.” I’ll take that any day!
I can tell when I’m not wanted
And I can see I’m not wanted here
So I’ll be going not so you’ll notice
And I don’t run away
I disappear
And I won’t turn myself around
I was never here
I can love you more than anyone
You won’t let me
Cos I’m no fun
And all the blood and cigarettes
Are stains forgotten
Take me out of the picture
Erase every trace
Take me out of the picture.
I can see the next fifty years
But I can’t see
any trace at all of me
So take me out of the picture
Erase every trace
Take me out of the picture.
ON PURPOSE (THE BASTARD SONG)
Here is another song from the Diaries-a Fiction project-a song occasionally referred to as “The Bastard Song.” This was a favorite from the small clutch of folks that would come watch me open for a band called Gramsci Melodic. They learned most of the song, bought the CD and would always request the song.
Even if I’d already played it.
So much fun.
This song was a little battle cry for my self-my own cheerleading song because at the time of the writing, I was living in a rented apartment that was half of an operating law office in Dover, NJ. The requirement of living there was to be out of the office from 8 to 5 during the week so clients didn’t see the long haired hippie living there.
I had moved without telling anyone save for a handful of people that included my sister, my aunts and a very small group of folks. I’d say about 98% of everyone else I knew didn’t know what had happened to me. My parents had decided to move to West Virginia and that fact alone had a ripple effect as I began to have flashbacks of my childhood. Rummaging through 20 years of stuff does wonders for people with CPTSD.
Especially if they don’t know they have it.
After they moved, I had a total and complete breakdown. I signed myself into a hospital for a week because I had started to have sudden memories of things from my childhood. Things that would make me freeze and shake. Things that would dictate a lot of my life from then going forward. My friends didn’t know what the hell was going on with me and neither did I. So, I vanished.
More than anything else, this event triggered a closeness with my sister that didn’t really exist up this point. She intimated that the same things that had happened to me, had happened to her as well, but unlike me, she remembered all of it.
The walls built as a reaction to this remained in place for decades.
120% no fucking fun.
I have since reconnected to most of the folks that I had walked away from with as much of an explanation as I could muster. Some understood more than others and I am grateful for it and for them.
I’m also grateful for all the people who adopted this song as an anthem.
It still is I hope.
I am alone, by myself
Some say it’s bad for my health
Nobody understands
But no one else has my demands
And I don’t have anymore friends (on purpose)
I make sure my road bends (on purpose)
I loved too fast and too strong (on purpose)
But now I know I was wrong
Man I could conquer the Earth and hold it in my hands
But I created my own world and no one needs to understand
And that’s on purpose
I have a code that I live by
Values and morals (on purpose)
Not everything needs to rhyme (on purpose)
All things in place and all in time.
Try as hard as I can (on purpose)
I ain’t a boy, I’m a man (on purpose)
I may be my only fan (on purpose)
But, I know who I am
Sometimes I call myself a “bastard” cos that how I feel
Sometimes I like because at least I can feel
I can feel
And if you think I’m a bastard, believe me-
It’s on purpose
Please find the digital album here ready for download!
whatnelsonwrites.com 
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